This week, we bring you a protest that wasn’t, a dumb crook, and some wascally wabbits. So, without further ado, let’s start with the protest because it’s the funniest part of today’s Alaska Man Monday.
Yeah, that was underwhelming.
Fewer than 30 students of the 900 enrolled at Lathrop High School in Fairbanks took part in the walkout on Wednesday that protested the election of Donald Trump as president.
Students carried signs, one of which read, ironically, “Abortions save lives,” and others that referred to the dangers of climate change, the importance of LGBTQ+ sexual orientation, and other key Democrat issues.
The protest was supported by the Native-oriented Sunrise Movement and the Alaska Youth for Environmental Action, a program of the Alaska Center (for the Environment), which is underwritten by dark money from Outside the state.
Meanwhile, while there was little interest in the walkout, someone painted “MAGA” on a rock known as Spirit Rock near the entrance of the school.
See Related: Biden, on His Way Out the Door, Slams Energy Sector With Methane Tax
See, this is just too funny. A word comes to mind: impotent. Fairbanks isn’t the reddest jurisdiction in Alaska, but it sure ain’t the bluest, either.
Alaska Man score: 5 moose nuggets, for entertainment value alone. I mean, 30 out of 900? Haw haw haw!
Now, on to a really dumb crook, who we can only be happy was not related to a certain notorious Zoom caller. I mean, wow, “inconsistent with his declared activity?”
On 11/14/2024, at approximately 2037 hours, Seward AST patrol conducted a traffic stop on a vehicle on Herman Leirer Rd. During the stop, a passenger, identified as Matthew Fulton, age 39 of Seward, utilized the nearby brush to go to the bathroom. While doing so, AST observed Fulton manipulate his clothing in a manner inconsistent with his declared activity. AST was able to search the area and locate discarded controlled substances and paraphernalia. Fulton was later contacted at a nearby residence on Salmon Creek Rd and was arrested for Tampering with Physical Evidence and MICS4
Ah, OK. He was discarding contraband – not a relation of Jeffrey Toobin, then. But not something that is quintessentially rural, in Alaska no less than in many other places: The perp “utilized the nearby brush to go to the bathroom.” And he used that to try to dump his drugs.
See Related: First Cocaine Bears, Then Cocaine Sharks – Now You Can Get a German Cocaine Pizza
Yeah, we’ve all done it. We’ll all do it again. But that doesn’t reduce the dumbness of this dumb crook.
Alaska Man score: 1.5 of 5 moose nuggets. Some entertainment value and the relief that he wasn’t Toobin, but honestly, a really dumb crook.
And, finally, an Anchorage school has been invaded by a cadre of wascally mawefactors. The invaders? Rabbits.
Evidence of an invasion surrounds the elementary school. Tiny footprints — much smaller than a child’s — zig-zag the property. Divots line the structure’s foundation. Pellets of poop stud the snow. Bushes are flattened, “mowed down” by animal mouths.
The culprits are a colony of feral rabbits. They tuck away as parents pick up their children at the Aquarian Charter School in Anchorage’s Spenard neighborhood. As foot traffic dwindles, several reemerge, some from hiding spots underneath the school’s building and nearby parked cars.
“Yup, it’s a thing,” said kindergarten and first grade teacher Paul Campbell. “There’s not a second of the day that there’s not 20 bunnies zipping around out the window.”
They are, reportedly, breeding like rabbits. But I may have a solution, and I can describe it in two words:
Rabbit stew.
See Related: And Now for Something Completely Different: Roasted Guinea Pigs
I mean, rabbits can be mighty fine eating. Mighty fine. Set some traps, and have some rabbit stews – if nobody else is interested, stew them up for Anchorage’s homeless population! Win-win!
Alaska Man score: 2.5 of 5 moose nuggets. I mean, it’s an interesting story, but demerits for missing the obvious solution.
Now, on to a quick discussion on moose seasons.
