When my partner and I got married, the toughest question to tackle didnât involve cake, flowers, venue, outfits, or guest list. The guest list was the simplest: Only four people were physically invited and six more joined on Zoom. We eloped in Iceland in 2022 after starting to plan a larger celebration in 2019, an effort that was put to bed after COVID came into the picture. For usâtwo people whose worst nightmare was standing up in front of a crowd and sharing words of loveâthe pivot was welcomed. But the question that still haunts me is: Do you have a registry?
The wedding world has only grown over the past five years; elopements, micro weddings, and destination celebrations have been inching toward the norm. Sure, massive bashes are still happening with guest lists as long as your latest Walgreens receipt, but straying from the most-trodden path is becoming more popular. One thing that hasnât shifted all that much? The rules of wedding gifting.
Wedding gifts have been presented in all kinds of forms since the dawn of legally attaching yourself to another person, most traditionally as kitchen and home essentials for a couple moving into their first place together. But in a world where people in love have often already checked that box by the time they get to the wedding day (rent isnât getting any lower, you know), thereâs room to get a bit more creative.
I spoke with a few experts on the subject (married people and frequent wedding guests!) and also peppered in a few of my own thoughts to narrow down the most important doâs and donâts of wedding gifting, from how much to spend to the most creative gifts theyâve given. The biggest (and best) takeaway? âWeddings are a bit like the Wild Westâthere are no hard-and-fast rules,â say Grey and Grayson Prnce, the couple behind the TikTok account @officiallyverygay, whose intimate elopement was recently featured on them. (Please peep Greyâs blue grill and Graysonâs high-gloss wedding topâswoon!) Read on and get ready to become the best wedding guest.
Donât: Feel locked in by a registry
Registries can be incredibly helpful when youâre trying to get inside the head of the couple youâre celebrating. For Lily Sullivan, a Brooklyn-based brand strategist and the brains behind Love & Other Rugs, itâs a jumping-off point. âI am a bit of a traditionalist in that I mostly stay on the registryâwhat I look for, though, is things that I would enjoy with the couple or things that Iâd want to receive,â she says. âFor example, I bought a Luke Edward Hall plate off of someoneâs registry or a set of chic wine glasses. I always like to throw in something personal, a framed photograph or piece of art from my motherâs collection.â
Do: Consider donating to money funds
Youâve likely seen a honeymoon fund or at least heard of one. The idea is that guests can help the newlyweds pay off a big post-wedding trip. âThe stereotype of extravagant wedding registries perpetuated by the media can deter people from embracing the tradition, but itâs not the reality for most,â Grey and Grayson say. âWe created a land registry, responding to requests from friends and family for a way to contribute to our future as a young couple.â
Do: Skip the bridesmaid boxes and other wedding party trends
Lily says it best: âBridesmaid/bachelorette culture is out of control and we donât really need more customized stuffâless is more in this case.â Wedding celebrations are expensive as it is and if youâre looking for a way to thank your closest friends for supporting you, there are better ways to do it. Write a letter, gift a framed snapshot from the archive, give the biggest hug. Weddings are stressful and wedding parties often suffer the brunt of the more anxious momentsâthere are some things a personalized sunglass case just wonât fix.
Donât: Make it about you
We all know how easy it is to fall into the habit of shopping for ourselves when weâre trying to find the perfect gift for a loved one. And it only gets trickier when youâre buying for someone you donât know as well. When I find myself in this position, I reach out to friends who know the couple a bit better to ask questions about the activities they love to do. Sometimes gifting an experience is a little more low-stakes than a household item. âFocus on what the couple would love,â Grey and Grayson say. âAnd if you find something really great, why not get two and become lifelong twins and best friends?â
Do: Have a signature wedding gift
Absolutely, 100%, keep it cute. My personal move is to check the registry and if nothing speaks to me (or is out of my budget), I opt for a gift card to a bougie day spa (perfect for relaxing post-wedding planning and pre-honeymoon) and a long handwritten note. That latter is the most important element of the giftâhopefully, itâs something theyâll keep for a long time, so make it count. Grey and Grayson also recommend focusing on calm vibes: âWeâre like the three wise men, often bringing gifts like frankincense and myrrhâusually something for relaxation, like candles,â they say. âInterpretations may vary, but the sentiment remains the same!â
Donât: Be afraid to get personal
Okay, weâre not talking âMr. and Mrs.â or âMrs. and Mrs.â or âMr. and Mr.â or âMx. and Mx.ââthough that last one would be pretty cute. The world of personalized gifts is wide and it is weird, but do think about who youâre gifting for before you dive in. âEmbroidered items hold a special charm for usâthereâs something uniquely heartfelt about personalized gifts,â Grey and Grayson share. Feel free to ask the couple directly if thereâs anything that speaks to their heart; thereâs no harm in getting a bit of guidance.
Do: Memorialize important places in the coupleâs lives
If you know the betrotheds well, chances are you know where they met, got engaged, or their favorite date spot. Use that knowledge! âMy best friends got engaged at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco, and I found an image that my mom had taken in the â80s when she lived in Northern California,â Lily says. âI had the image blown up really bigâthey didnât have a lot of art in their apartment and they were touched.â
Donât: Feel weird about asking for gifts
This one is for all the people getting married. My partner ultimately decided not to create a registry or accept gifts when we eloped, and looking back I may have approached it differently. There are always going to be people who want to celebrate your love and if youâre opting for a private event, they canât show up in person. It was so nice to arrive home from our Iceland elopement to a couple of well-wishing cards in the mail (which is always a good gifting route, FWIW). Itâs also an opportunity to feel more connected to your community. âDespite some initial discomfort with the idea of receiving gifts, the overwhelming support we received was truly touching,â Grey and Grayson say. âOur experience taught us that thereâs no right or wrong way to approach giftingâdo what feels authentic to you.â