What’s the least amount of noise you’ve heard 60,000 people make?
Minute’s silences don’t count. Neither do state funerals. How about at 7.58pm at the London Stadium on Monday, December 9?
The teams of West Ham United and Wolverhampton Wanderers have entered the field but there’s no pre-match cajoling from the home fans, no defiant chants from the away fans. Just quiet mumbling: probably about the awful views or the price of burgers.
These two fanbases can be rowdy bordering on feral in the right circumstances — Wolves always travel away in big, noisy numbers and West Ham, even if they’re a bit quieter in their newish corporate wastelands, always seem to fill every seat, but tonight there are noticeable pockets of white, claret and blue dotted around the bowl.
So what’s behind the muted atmosphere?
Could… and this feels sacrilegious to say… could it be they are not exactly too fussed about their teams winning tonight? Because the losing club will probably get rid of their manager and that’s what they want?
It’s quirky, it’s queasy, it’s quiet. Welcome to El Sackico.
Our protagonists for this most curious of encounters, Julen Lopetegui and Gary O’Neil, are men under pressure.
Recent results for the pair are so wretched — and fans of both clubs are so disenfranchised, disillusioned and increasingly angry that it almost feels unfathomable both will still be in charge of their teams come this weekend.
A defeat here will feel like the final straw, a draw may do little to change the inevitable and even a narrow win might not be enough.
We’re in Running Man territory here then or The Hunger Games, or Squid Game — take your pick.
Were this to be a dystopian film set in the future, both managers would be sacked on the pitch before kick-off, then Graham Potter and David Moyes would take to the field and be spun on a giant wheel, landing on either a West Ham or Wolves segment to choose who they must take charge of.
Sadly not. In the cold reality of 2024, Lopetegui (a former Wolves manager) and O’Neil (a former West Ham player) have spent the past week on the precipice, fearing the worst.
On Friday, Lopetegui was asked about his future, including whether he would walk away from the role, but fudged the answer by talking about the team being ready for the next challenge.
It is times like this when Lopetegui doesn’t help himself — a bit more honesty about West Ham’s struggles would probably make supporters gravitate towards him. Instead, he’s deeply unpopular.
“I know they (the fans) are going to support the players a lot and stay with us, because always their energy is amazing,” he said. “We are going to need that energy again on Monday, because it does give the players an extra lift.”
They don’t heed the call. You can’t exactly blame them.
O’Neil looked a broken man after Wolves were pathetically humped 4-0 at Everton (who hadn’t scored in their previous four matches) on Wednesday and suffered the ignominy of conducting his pre-match West Ham press conference at around 1pm the next afternoon.
By the time he walked in, it was known publicly that Wolves were sounding out potential replacements. He handled it typically well, despite being asked whether he felt like a “dead man walking”, keeping kept his cool throughout even if the whole thing felt valedictory — like a man knowing he was in the final days of his reign and wanting to write his own Wolves managerial epitaph.
What follows on Monday night, perhaps inevitably given the pressure involved and the recent form of the two sides, is an absolute dog of a game, especially a first half which is so mundane that Wolves’ X account doesn’t tweet until 22 minutes in to inform their follower that the match is goalless.
At one point, Rayan Ait-Nouri is easily beaten by Aaron Wan-Bissaka in the air but the West Ham man can only head the ball out of play. Both managers vigorously applaud the inadequacy of their players. Maybe they both want to get sacked.
The contrast in demeanours between the two men is wild.
Lopetegui permanently wears a haunted expression on his face, while his relaxed body language on the touchline resembles a weary bar owner, the kind who refuses to engage with tourists in English and will only serve people when he’s finished his conversation with his barfly friend.
Jack-in-the-box O’Neil looks permanently pained and anxious, like he has 1,000 tiny little Gary O’Neils inside him incessantly prodding his internal organs, chastising him for not starting Tommy Doyle.
He recently revealed to Optus Sport that he drinks 20 cups of tea a day. No wonder Wolves are struggling — their manager is spending more time by the kettle and on the toilet than he is on the training ground.
When West Ham take the lead through an apologetic Tomas Soucek header, Lopetegui does nothing except slowly wander around the biggest technical area in the country, hands in pockets.
O’Neil studies his iPad. Hard. He does this an awful lot. The reason why is something Wolves fans have been pondering, including a caller to a local radio station who last week suggested O’Neil was watching a box set. Probably the Walking Dead, etc.
Wolves’ fans chant that Lopetegui is a wanker. Some West Ham fans join in. He keeps his hands in his pockets.
When Wolves equalise via Matt Doherty, O’Neil is all fist bumps and energy. Lopetegui, yep, keeps his hands in his pockets and wanders around some more.
O’Neil saves his most animated moves for perceived injustices about refereeing decisions, yelling “FUCKING HELL” at the fourth official when no penalty is given for a challenge on Goncalo Guedes.
But in the stands, it remains remarkably quiet. They’re not angry; they’re disappointed. That’s much worse.
Is there much to like about either team? No, not really. When you look at the work being done by, say, Thomas Frank, Marco Silva and Nuno Espirito Sano at Brentford, Fulham and Nottingham Forest respectively, it puts West Ham and Wolves to shame. No wonder their fans are so unhappy.
As full-time approaches, even with West Ham now 2-1 up, many home supporters care little about witnessing if the home side can see it through.
The stadium, including the away end, is half-empty when the whistle blows. These are two clubs going nowhere fast.
Despite the defeat and despite a post-match scrap involving his raging captain Mario Lemina, O’Neil smiles in his post-match press conference. Perhaps he’s been to the loo.
He’s amiable, likeable and talks brilliantly, speaking of his pride at the players still fighting for him (literally in Lemina’s case), his sadness at losing his connection with the fans and his pleasure at managing Wolves for the past 17 months.
He lists his achievements, he understands that current results are unacceptable, but he asks that the number of players Wolves have had to sell (Ruben Neves, Max Kilman, Pedro Neto etc) be taken into account.
“That is where the football club is,” he says. “I’m happy to be judged on results and where I can get this team to. But it should be done in context.
“Whenever this journey ends, I’ll be proud of every moment I’ve given to it.”
It’s the press conference of a man who knows his race is run.
Lopetegui looks nonplussed by it all. Have West Ham turned a corner, he is asked? “I think that each match is different.” Great, glad we cleared that up.
“I like O’Neil,” Wolves fan Richard, about to embark on the long journey home, says. “And I think he’s been dealt a bad hand with recruitment, but the fact is it’s not working. We’ve conceded 10 goals against Bournemouth, Everton and West Ham, we’ve forgotten how to win, and the players need fresh ideas.”
It’s Ipswich at home next for Wolves. West Ham travel to Bournemouth… will they stick or twist?
“Tonight hasn’t changed anything,” West Ham fan Danny says. “With the squad we’ve got, we should be doing so much more but the win probably buys him some time. Personally, I just don’t see him as the right fit.”
El Sackico. Who goes? We still don’t know but it surely won’t be long for either now.
(Additional reporting: Roshane Thomas and Steve Madeley)
(Top photos: Julen Lopetegui and, right, Gary O’Neil; Getty Images)