Welcome to the 17th edition of Row Z, our weekly column on The Athletic that shines a light on the bonkers side of the game.
From clubs to managers, players to organisations, every Friday we’ll bring you the absurdities, the greed, the contradictions, the preposterousness and the oddities of the game we all love…
Football fever
Forget the FIFA Awards, forget BBC Sports Personality of the Year, the only awards that have mattered in the past month are the Globe Soccer Awards held in Dubai last week.
It was a “truly unforgettable” evening, the organisers said, and “delivered a night of unparalleled glamour, emotion, and football fever”.
The judging panel, which included Iker Casillas, Francesco Totti and, erm, Ian Rush, dished out awards to Vinicius Jr (men’s player of the year), Aitana Bonmati (women’s player of the year) and, of course, Cristiano Ronaldo (best Middle East player).
Ronaldo also won the top goalscorer of all time award (presumably Pele’s relatives weren’t available to collect the award on his behalf). Whatever the legitimacy or otherwise of claiming someone to be the highest goalscoring footballer ever, it should be noted that Ronaldo also won the award in 2021.
Not that they just make these awards up as they go along. Take the big one for example — agent of the year.
In 11 of the 13 years the award has existed, it has been won by Jorge Mendes… and 2024 was no different.
The award blurb said: “A mere five transfers are sufficient to justify thousands of votes and the expert panel’s decision to once again crown Jorge Mendes as the top representative for nurturing and guiding the cream of international football’s youth.” Well, quite.
Jorge Mendes, undoubtedly the world’s most award-winningest agent (Waleed Zein/Anadolu via Getty Images)
Those five transfers? Joao Neves to Paris Saint-Germain, Leny Yoro and Manuel Ugarte to Manchester United, and Pedro Neto and Joao Felix to Chelsea.
Neves, fair enough, but the others? Young Yoro’s record for United so far: three starts, three defeats. Ugarte is already being linked with a move away from Old Trafford, Neto has only one goal and two assists from 16 Premier League appearances, and Felix, one of the most peculiar signings of the whole summer, has started just three of Chelsea’s 17 league matches.
Not bad for five transfers that cost £250million combined.
“These prodigies are poised to showcase the exceptional quality synonymous with those fortunate enough to be part of Mendes’ prestigious Portuguese footballing family, renowned for its passion and dedication to the global game,” Globe Soccer added.
Keep it up, Jorge.
Jobs for the boys
Which manager would you hire if you wanted to pretty much guarantee they could lead your team out of the Championship?
Well, Neil Warnock did it a few times, he’d be high on the list. Daniel Farke managed it twice with Norwich City and is now threatening to repeat the feat with Leeds United.
How about Wayne Rooney? Actually, yeah, not a bad shout.
Rooney’s last three Championship jobs? Relegated with Derby in 2022 (albeit via points deductions), 20th with Birmingham City in 2024 having joined with them sixth a few months earlier, and now 24th and last with Plymouth Argyle, who clearly decided it was more embarrassing to persist with a manager who had overseen conceding more goals than any team in the country than to sack someone who was Mr January in the official club 2025 calendar.
Well this is awkward
#pafc pic.twitter.com/ZMW9gjZYZs— Josh Tucker (@josh88tucker) December 31, 2024
Since a decent start to his managerial life with Derby back in the pandemic season, Rooney’s career win percentage stands at 22.5 per cent, which kind of makes you wonder how he got the Plymouth job in the first place and what the future holds, if anything.
Who will Plymouth appoint next? Well, curiously, their past four managers all share a common link — their birthplace. Rooney is from Liverpool, Ian Foster was born just a few miles away in Whiston, Merseyside, Steven Schumacher is from Liverpool and Ryan Lowe…*checks notes* yep, Liverpool.
Rooney and Schumacher also both came through Everton’s academy. Mad, really.
Plymouth’s director of football for those four managerial appointments? Neil Dewsnip (also set to leave the club this week), who is from… drumroll, please… Whiston, Merseyside! And the academy where Dewsnip spent 17 years of his career? Come on guys, you can get this…. yes, that’s right, Everton!
It’s a shame Dewsnip isn’t sticking around. Well, a shame for Leon Osman, David Unsworth and Katarina Johnson-Thompson, whose applications were presumably in the post.
GO DEEPER
Rooney’s Plymouth exit: Sinking morale, off-field criticism – and regret
No doubt
September 18th, 2024: Narcis Pelach is appointed as the new head coach of Stoke City on a three-year contract, having been nabbed from Norwich City where he was first-team coach.
Sporting director Jon Walters: “Narcis is one of the most respected and sought-after coaches around. He is exceptionally driven and meticulous and will drive those same standards from everyone around him at the club.
“There is no doubt in our minds that Narcis will enjoy a successful career as a head coach and are excited to give him the opportunity to make that a reality at Stoke City.”
Stoke had high hopes for Narcis Pelach… it didn’t work out (Ben Roberts Photo/Getty Images)
Chair John Coates: “From the way he articulates his ideas to his meticulous depth of knowledge and his obvious passion and desire to be successful, everything about him is impressive and I’m excited to witness the impact he will have on our club.”
December 27th, 2024, 101 days, 19 matches and three victories later: Sacked
Genuinely exciting
Next up to drink from the poison chalice at the Potteries? Mark Robins. And, like with Pelach, Steven Schumacher, Alex Neil, Michael O’Neill, Nathan Jones and Gary Rowett before him, Stoke are absolutely convinced they’ve landed the right man as they look to get out of the Championship (to be fair, they’re going about it the right way, just perhaps in the wrong direction).
Chair John Coates said of Robins, Stoke’s eighth permanent manager in six-and-a-half years after only two in 12 years before that: “With the proven track record Mark brings to the role, I believe this is a genuinely exciting moment for Stoke City.”
Walters added: “At Coventry, Mark built something successful with a real identity and longevity.”
Longevity, eh? Well, you’ll be lucky to get that at Stoke, Mark, although blind optimism is not in short supply, with Robins — admittedly a manager with a strong track record — given a three-and-a-half-year contract (Pelach had three years, Schumacher had three and a half).
Including caretakers, Stoke are now onto their fifth manager of 2024-25. Number of league wins this season? Six.
(Top photo: Waleed Zein/Anadolu via Getty Images)
