Florida Man sure gets a lot of attention, doesn’t he?
Bear in mind that Florida isn’t the only place that is home to the reckless and the somewhat unbalanced. Every state has them, I’m fond of pointing out, referencing my childhood Allamakee County, Iowa home. I know all about crazy hillbillies – I grew up amongst them.
One of the great chroniclers of Florida Man’s adventures, of course, is my friend and sister-site PJMedia colleague Stephen Green (VodkaPundit), whose Florida Man Friday posts have inspired me to chronicle the misadventures of my fellow Great Landers in Alaska Man Monday.
When it comes to the kind of shenanigans that made Florida Man famous, I’d point out only that, despite our much smaller population, Alaska is no slouch. For this first Alaska Man Monday, I found three examples.
Alaska Man Posts Video Chasing Moose On ATV, Gets Cited For Harassment
An Alaskan resident by the name of Elliot Edwards uploaded a video onto Facebook of himself riding a four-wheeler near a wild moose. The man was chasing the young moose along the Yukon River and you can even see the big moose fall down on the ice as it’s sprinting to get away.
Someone saw the footage online and became concerned, and reported it to the Alaska Department of Public Safety. Not long after they received the tip, the authorities hit Edwards with a citation for “using a motor vehicle to harass, herd, drive, or molest game.”
There’s no doubt that Edwards was harassing the wild animal, The dispatch that was released by the Alaska Department of Public Safety summarized the events that unfolded in their official statement:
“The moose attempted to get to safety multiple times, but was unable because of high river banks. The four-wheeler continued to chase the moose until it slipped on the ice.
The investigation determined on January 29, 2024, Edwards used a red Honda four-wheeler to chase a calf moose until it slipped on the ice.”
Chasing a moose on an ATV is less than a smart idea, and that’s a massive understatement. This time of year, moose yearlings are still usually hanging around close to Mama. Obvious acts of cruelty and disregard for an animal at the most difficult time of year for survival – over half of moose calves die in their first winter – this knucklehead was in serious danger of running afoul of Mama Moose. Points for reckless use of a motor vehicle, but demerits for harassment of wildlife.
Alaska Man score: 2.5 of 5 moose nuggets.
Alaska Man Drank All the Money Away He Stole From CUs & Banks
An armed transport guard who stole more than $500,000 from credit union and bank ATMs in Alaska literally drank away all of the money he stole, according to court documents.
U.S. District Timothy M. Burgess sentenced Austin Nolan Dwight Rutherford, 29, on Tuesday to two and a half years in prison and ordered him to pay $579,400 in restitution. He is also required to pay more than $86,000 in additional restitution claims for expenses related to his employer’s investigation.
Rutherford pleaded guilty to two felony counts of theft, embezzlement, and misapplication of funds, according to a plea deal filed in U.S. District Court in Juneau.
Well, Mr. Rutherford is definitely in mixed-bag territory. While embezzling money is a crime and a serious one at that, you have to give him credit for disposing of the evidence in one of the most Alaska ways possible – by drinking it. Points for abusing his liver; demerits for theft.
Alaska Man score: 2.0 of 5 moose nuggets.
Fishermen find possible SPY BALLOON off the coast of Alaska
Fishermen have found a suspected spy balloon off the coast of Alaska that will be handed over to the FBI.
The commercial fishermen are bringing the unmanned object to shore so it can be investigated at the FBI lab in Quantico, Virginia.
They are expected to hand over the balloon to federal officials over the weekend.
The discovery comes just over a year after a high-altitude Chinese spy balloon was shot down off the coast of South Carolina after traversing across the U.S.
That surveillance balloon also entered the U.S. through Alaskan airspace.
Now, these guys are Alaska heroes. They found what we suspect is another Chinese spy balloon and notified the appropriate authorities. However, they missed the chance to do what a true-blue Alaska man would have done, which is to take the balloon, cut it up, and use the fabric as either a tarp to cover a tractor or ATV, or to patch a leaky spot on the roof. Points for standing up for national security, demerits for failure to salvage materials for repurposing.
Alaska Man score: 4.5 of 5 moose nuggets.
To all Florida readers, I can add only this caution: Mind carefully your reputation, Florida Man. On the opposite corner of these great United States, Alaska Man is well and truly in the game.
