My husband has a 30-year-old son who has struggled with drugs and mental illness for several years. This young man has been enabled financially by both of his parents, but especially by his mom, who has covered all of his living expenses for all but two of the last 10 years (while he jumped from job to job).
During a recent 12-month period of unemployment, my husband convinced his son to seek help. As he did not have medical insurance, my husband agreed to cover the costs of his psychiatric visits and medication and — in a moment he later described as “not my best decision” — he added his son as a user to one of his credit cards so he could pay for these visits and medications.
It did not go well. My husband has now blocked the card and will only unlock it for “approved” medical expenses. I agreed with him helping until his son got on his feet, but now that he has a new lucrative job, is “clean” and has his own medical insurance, I think my husband should take his credit card back (his son has not used the card for a few months).
Even if it’s blocked, I think it sends the wrong message. My husband is hesitant to ask for it back. He won’t rock the boat, and so he has done nothing.
What is the best way to approach this with his son?
The Stepmother
Related: ‘She acted as a mother to me growing up’: My stepmother remarried after my father died. How can I claim my inheritance?
Dear Stepmother,
Finally, a letter from a stepmother rather than about one. Hallelujah!
Whatever your stepson did, and you and your husband did as parents, has worked. I agree that it probably wasn’t the smartest decision to give somebody who was in active addiction a credit card and, from your letter, I gather he made purchases that were not medical-related. But your husband blocked the card, and your stepson found his way back to sobriety and good health.
Before your husband approaches the subject of the credit card, he will need to be comfortable with having that conversation. It’s not enough for you to want his son to return the card; your husband needs to be on board, too. The relationship between a parent and child, and the sense of responsibility, love and, yes, fear is very different from your more objective perspective.
Assuming your husband agrees, and only if he does, he should be as honest and transparent as possible. “I’m proud of you and everything you’ve achieved and, even though the card is nonoperational, I think you have reached a place in your recovery where we can have a ceremonial handing over of the card.”
However, I’m not necessarily in lockstep with your logic that your stepson having this credit card, blocked though it is, in his possession sends a message that he will bail him out again. You view it as a reminder that your husband was, as you see it, an enabler who mollycoddled his son. But he and his son may view it differently.
If everything is going well, why drag up that past to humiliate or demean him by asking for this card back?
Perhaps the card symbolizes protection or an act of love for your stepson — that no matter how far his life had spiraled downward in those years, his father was there to pick him up and help him get back on the right track. It could also help ease your stepson’s anxieties. If he does lose his job, his father will be there in some form, financial or otherwise, to offer a helping hand.
Your stepson has a well-paid job. Don’t allow your resentment or ill will for his mother or father’s actions to affect your own judgment. If everything is going well, why drag up that past to humiliate or demean him by asking for this card back? It also signals a lack of trust and, given that the card is blocked, retrieving it seems like a pyrrhic victory.
For other parents in a similar situation: the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, a branch of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, offers advice on how to open dialogue with a loved one: “Identify an appropriate time and place. Express concerns, and be direct. Acknowledge their feelings and listen. Offer to help. Be patient.”
Obviously, if your stepson had run up thousands of dollars in credit-card debt, your husband would have been responsible. His credit score would risk taking a battering, not your stepson’s. Do I think it was a smart idea to give an adult child a credit card, whether he had a substance-misuse problem or not? No. But taking it back won’t undo that.
If you, or a family member, needs help with a mental or substance use disorder, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or TTY: 1-800-487-4889, or text your zip code to 435748 (HELP4U), or use SAMHSA’s Behavioral Health Treatment Services Locator to get help. You can also find more resources and advice for families from SAMHSA here.
Here are other resources for people with family members who have addiction issues: The Center for Motivation and Change published this book, “Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.” Dr. Robert Meyers, who has been working in the field of addiction for four decades, developed the CRAFT approach to encourage a family member to engage in treatment.
Related: My daughter no longer speaks to me or my husband, and mocked our family values. Do we cut her out of her $2 million inheritance?
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com.
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Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:
‘Is this ethical?’ I want to leave my home to my children from my first marriage — and not to my second husband.
I want to leave my home to my children from my first marriage — and not to my second husband. Is that wrong?
‘I am an only child’: My father left his $50 million estate to my stepmother in an irrevocable trust. I inherited $1 million. Is this reasonable?
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