There’s a new Bridget Jones movie, and tis a truth universally acknowledged that some of us are obliged to comment. The four film franchise launched off Helen Fielding’s bestselling Bridget Jones’s Diary is wildly hit and miss. But there’s something about the characters—and initially, Austen’s—that keeps us coming back.
So yes, I watched Mad About the Boy, the latest sequel. And did I join the legions of bemused Letterboxd fans who burst into highly manipulated tears around the 105 minute mark? (And then, admitted it?!) I sure did. Did my grief feel so genuine that I paused a critical scene to Google whether or not Sir Colin Firth himself had, actually, kicked the bucket? It did, friends. I’m not proud.
There’s the soundtrack (oppressive). And the fan service (patronizing). But there’s also our indomitable, unkempt hero, and her wonderfully smug married friends. I was even glad to revisit the overworked formula, which pits two suitors against one another in a battle for Bridget’s heart.
The self-reflective tone of Mad About the Boy invites a fair-weather fan to stack those suitors up against one another. So I did you all a great big favor. Here are all of Bridget’s loves, ranked from worst to first.
5. Jack Qwant (aka Patrick Dempsey)
Though he ought to be eliminated on grounds of being a tech billionaire—and minus additional points for the insufferably toothy, vegan daredevil glamper aspect—this debatably canon deus-ex-doofus from the third movie, Bridget Jones’s Baby, stuck around while that paternity suit was being resolved. So I guess that’s…something.
I’ll never forgive McDreamy for leaving Grey Sloan Memorial to come scuttle script rhythms across the pond with an unwelcome American accent. But Qwant’s real problem was simply that he wasn’t right for Bridget. Just like this film isn’t right, for any of us. Unless you’re two drinks in on a very-delayed commercial flight.
4. Roxster (aka Leo Woodall)
Hello, under-imagined boy candy. If you recognize Woodall from his turn about The White Lotus, you’ll also spend a lot of his brief arc in Mad About the Boy waiting for a stiletto to drop and impale somebody. Though he has us on guard from first meet-cute (is that a monononym!?!) Rox is actually…not that bad, when you get to know him? And for his every obvious flaw I took pity, out of concern that the movie was objectifying him.
Also, unlike Mr. Qwant, this young man also has a curious calling. (Urban Garbology!) We also can’t be too surprised that he’s a little rattled by commitment, at his age. TLDR; wouldn’t throw him out of my DMs, but never expected him to linger to begin with.
3. Mark Darcy (aka Colin Firth)
I never believed that Mark’s third act fake out in movie one was motivated by a sudden need to buy Bridge a diary. And even if it was? Sorry, but that’s condescending. In this house we play by Harriet the Spy rules. Don’t read other people’s diaries! Period! And if you accidentally do, you have no right to be injured by what’s inside. Let alone force a date to chase your ass through a snowstorm while you play mind games at Moleskin.
And another thing? MD’s insult in the first scene of this franchise is so catty that they had to make him a human rights lawyer to even tease a moral compass. And in the second film (debatably canon), we learn that his interest in nation-building is Tory-tinged! Now you’re telling me to root for a stand-offish prig who likely voted for Brexit? Not for all the fitted jumpers in England.
In Austen’s day, one could overlook such character flaws for the mansion, and the promise of lifetime comfort for all your unmarried female loved ones. And obviously, Colin ~Actual Darcy~ Firth is a paragon of man; his OG Mark falls first or second in the grand scheme. But in Bridget’s world—and yes, counter to popular opinion—the Darcy Helen Fielding + StudioCanal hath wrought is not my favorite suitor.
Thank you, next.
2. Daniel Cleaver (aka Hugh Grant)
Those of you still reading, I implore you—hear me out.
Look, obviously, Daniel Cleaver, walking red flag and workplace predator, is not The One. But unlike Bridget, we in the audience know this after spending ten minutes in his company. He is, however, fun. He takes minibreaks and makes jokes. He reads, probably. And though one suspects the uncharacteristic insight he sports in Mad About the Boy can be attributed to a brush with mortality and the wild luck of surviving the #MeToo years with some shred of a career intact, turns out introspection suits the tomcat. He’s much easier to tolerate as a self-describing “tragic” figure. More Rum Tum Tugger than creepy uncle.
But what I like best about Daniel—or, why I’ll make the case for his position in second place—is the fact of his and Bridge’s friendship. They’re the best trope of all, and the only endurable one: lovers turned sparring pals. It’s sweet to see them quipping in Mad About the Boy about foolish youth. They always had chemistry.
1. Scott Wallaker (aka Chiwetel Ejiofor)
And speaking of chemistry. This brings me to the new face. I hope I won’t be spoiling anything when I say that the ridiculously named Mr. Scott Wallaker initially appears in the Pride guise; he’s fussy, he’s pompous, he’s a strident Dawkins atheist. But we see his goodness sooner than we ever saw Mark’s. And in the meantime, he plays piano. He’s good with kids. He lacks conspicuous emotional baggage. Crucially, and unlike his predecessor, he knows how to pick out a sweater.
It’s possible I’m mapping a crush that originated in another British rom-com onto poor Mrs. Darcy. (Never forget; two short years after Bridge attended her first Tarts and Vicars party, Ejiofor was Keira Knightley’s unsuspecting groom in Love Actually.) But give me the sexy science teacher over the buttoned-up agent of empire any day. I’ll always prefer the former.
Note to producers: this is not a challenge. Between us, we’ve covered all possible Bridgets.
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