A man who was kicked and punched, made to sleep on the floor and refused access to a toilet by his abusive ex-girlfriend says he wants to tell his story to help other victims.
Gareth Jones, 41, says it took more than a year of therapy to begin to recover from months of emotional and physical abuse from a woman he met online in July 2021.
A charity whose helpline he turned to said male domestic abuse is not as rare as some people may think – and one in six or seven men will be a victim in their lifetime.
The Mankind Initiative also found that every year, one in 25 men will suffer at the hands of a partner in Wales.
Earlier this year, 41-year-old Sarah Rigby, from Winsford in Cheshire, was given a 20-month prison sentence suspended for two years, at Chester Crown Court, after pleading guilty to coercive and controlling behaviour.
Det Con Sophie Ward of Cheshire Police’s described Rigby having a “stranglehold” over her victim, adding: “Many people think that only women can be victims of controlling and coercive behaviour, but as this case demonstrates, that is not always the case.”
The NHS manager, originally from Pontypridd, Rhondda Cynon Taf, described being isolated from friends and family during their nine month relationship, losing control of his finances and about £40,000.
He was subjected to daily verbal abuse and humiliation – not allowed to use the toilet in the house or shower without Rigby’s permission.
Strict controls on his diet meant he lost 4.5 stone (28kg) in two months, while Rigby repeatedly told hime she would tell the police he had assaulted her if he spoke to anyone about the abuse.
Speaking five months after the sentencing, he said at first the relationship seemed “normal”, though in hindsight he could see that she was “overly affectionate”.
“I guess they call it love bombing,” he said.
“I thought ‘how can this person be so loving?’.
“I think it takes you aback… you think this could really be the one, and this could work out.
“It was overly powerful.”
He gave up his apartment and moved in to Rigby’s home just four months after they met. It was then the abuse accelerated.
Rigby made him pay for all the time he previously spent at the house.
He also paid £700 a month in rent, plus all the bills, but was not allowed a key, and could only be in the property when she was home.
Restrictions were also placed on his use of the bathroom, and what he could and could not eat.
“She made me sleep on the floor with no covers if things weren’t going her way, as a punishment,” he said.
“I wasn’t allowed to shower or shave, or use the toilet.
“I had to hold it in and try to make it down to the local supermarket or a pub or a restaurant.
“If she wanted to go out, I had to leave, even if I was trying to work.”
Rigby would go through his phone, and tell him not to associate with family and friends, telling him “you are with me now”.
Any texts he sent his mum, he would delete immediately to avoid repercussions.
There was physical abuse, including biting, kicking, scratching and clawing.
He described an occasion in London on a long weekend, when Rigby demanded he buy her a designer handbag.
“We were in Harrods and she said ‘we’re not leaving until you buy me something expensive’,” he said.
“She clawed me through my jumper, my arm was actually bleeding, until she forced me into buying something expensive for her.”
Five months after he moved in with Rigby, things came to a head when he met his mum in secret for a cup of coffee.
“She broke down in front of me,” he said.
“I thought ‘I can’t put my family though it any longer’… they were imploring me to leave.”
Around that time, Gareth made a call to the Mankind Initiative.
They confirmed he was suffering domestic violence – and hearing it from someone neutral helped him understand he needed to get out.
Gareth’s mum Diane Debens said the family was “proud” of him for speaking out.
She said it put a huge strain on them, adding: “You go through a gamut of emotions.
“There’s frustration. You want to shake them and say ‘just get out of this’.
“You know they are going through pain. It’s your child, no matter what age. And you feel helpless, really.”
Ms Debens said they would see Gareth with bruises, which he would brush off, and on one occasion, a cut across his nose.
“I couldn’t believe that one human being could treat another human being like this,” she added.
Mankind Initiative chairman Mark Brooks praised Gareth’s bravery in telling his story, and said the experience of men like him is not often heard about.
“There isn’t much about male victims of domestic abuse,” he said.
“It’s not often talked about.
“So there isn’t always that awareness, even for men that domestic abuse actually does and can actually happen to them.”
‘There is a stigma’
Both Gareth and his mum hope he will feel ready to find love in the future, but he says he is not there yet.
Gareth left his abuser with “only the clothes on my back” and has had to start from scratch financially, make a new home, and build friendships back up – not to mention work he has had to put in rebuilding himself.
“It knocked my confidence for a long time… I had low self-esteem because of the constant abuse,” he said.
“I had to go through therapy.”
He added there is a stigma around men talking about being abused – and wanted to tell his story to try and change that.
If you’ve been affected by the issues in this story, help and support is available via the BBC Action Line.
